


All I Want

by girl_next_door_writes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 09:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17020308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl_next_door_writes/pseuds/girl_next_door_writes
Summary: Post Civil War Tony feels he deserves everything that is coming to him.  Being his own worst enemy and locked in his own head will he grab the small ray of hope or will he drown himself in self-pity?





	All I Want

F.R.I.D.A.Y. had been blasting classic rock constantly in the lab for the past few days which was a sign to everyone to steer clear, that’s if anyone was actually there anymore. The songs, although each with a kicking beat and some epic drum and guitar solos, all had a theme. The singers were pouring out their hearts and though the name of the girl was always different the sentiment was the same, each bringing back memories of that one girl they had once loved and had lost. The unspoken thought that maybe life would have turned out so differently had they just held onto her and Tony sat at a console with this head in his hands, eyes closed as he fought his demons alone. His eyes flickered up to the bottle of scotch. It would be so easy right now in his sleep-deprived state to just drown his sorrows, numb the pain so he could just pass out and get some rest. 

Letting out a frustrated yell and slamming his fists down on the bench in front of him he cursed himself for everything, each chastisement he had ever received playing on a loop in his mind until he gave in and unscrewed the bottle cap, not even bothering with a glass he took a large swig of the incredibly expensive and smooth amber liquid which burned the back of his throat. He shouldn’t be around people. He was toxic. Instead, he had tried to lose himself in work, maybe something that would help Rhodey. The guilt of that whole situation flooded over him and once more the bottle made its way to his lips. 

Perhaps partying would have been a better way to go, more of a distraction. It had been months since his last meaningless drunken hookup and although he was sure there were several potential partners in the nearby bars this evening he knew he’d once again be waking up alone. There was something missing. He wasn’t sure why these brief encounters did nothing but make the ache inside his chest worse. No, that was a lie. He knew exactly why but he wasn’t about to let that thought linger in his mind. He certainly wasn’t about to think of her. Letting that thought in gave it potential to grow and he was having enough trouble fighting it without it getting any stronger. It just wasn’t going to happen. Girls, no, women like her, they weren’t for the likes of him. Just look what had happened with Pepper. He didn’t deserve a love like her, not after everything he had done. No. He had been right to barricade himself here in the lab and work. He couldn’t hurt anyone if he was alone. 

Just as the lure of the alcohol had grown too much, the temptation to call her was increasing with every sip. Slamming the bottle down as if it had betrayed him, he rose to his feet and began to pace the room like a caged tiger. He had been so certain he was doing the right thing, had been on the right side but the images of his friends in those cells, Rhodeys body lying broken, the hurt and confusion in her eyes as he refused to listen to her, they all haunted him to the point of madness. Something had to give, and maybe that would be his sanity. 

He had pushed them all away, so desperate to save everyone he had ended up here, alone, slowly turning his blood into alcohol. Did he not deserve some comfort? Just the tiniest hint that he was not the bad guy. Maybe he should call her, maybe tell her how he felt, hold her in his arms, lose himself in the scent of her shampoo. No. All he needed was a little time. All these feelings should burn out sooner or later given enough time and alcohol. His hand gripped the bottle once more and by the time it hit the table again it was half empty. He was definitely well on his way to alcohol poisoning. He huffed out a chuckle at that thought. A fitting end to a not so superhero. 

The image of her from happier times slid effortlessly from his subconscious. She was sitting at the kitchen counter watching him make breakfast, eyes bright as she had laughed and leaned across, reaching out her hand gently wiping the smudge of pancake batter from his cheek. A jolt of electricity had raced through his body at her touch and his eyes fell on her soft lips. All he had wanted in that moment had been to lean across and taste those lips but Steve had appeared and the moment broken. 

It was these brief moments that his brain seemed to hoard and pull out just to torture him, especially when he was tired or drunk, probably both. Knocking back the whiskey he felt the edges of the world getting fuzzy as the heat of the liquid slid down his throat. Lately, he had been craving more of those little moments. His life had been so dark, so suffocating without her around. Selfishly he wanted to draw out the happy moments until they all ran into each other leaving him with just one life filled with her. When he was with her he felt safe, like he could finally rest. Looking down he saw his phone in his hand, her picture smiling up at him and the urge to press the button and hear her voice was alluring.

Shaking his head he dropped his phone as if it was a piece of molten rock. Maybe he should just let her go, let the thought of her disappear. Hell, there was no maybe about it. He would only end up hurting her either emotionally or physically, maybe even both. No. He had to let her go. She deserved so much better than him. 

And yet… The soft lilting tones of Ed Sheeran drifted through the room and his brow furrowed at the sudden change. Turning a little unsteadily his eyes fell on the open door and mixed in with the memory of her laughter, her sarcastic tones, the way she looked first thing in the morning when she hadn’t quite woken up yet was the very solid form of her standing there, her arms folded across her chest and eyebrow raised. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The corners of his mouth twitched up and the urge to run to her, hold her, taste her lips rose within him. His heart beat loudly in his chest and he gripped the nearby desk to steady himself. Yeah, he was gonna tell her. It might be the alcohol talking but suddenly he was so sure. He wanted love. He wanted her love so badly. 

“Tony?” her voice was soft and low as if she didn’t want to startle him and he could hear her concern and with that one word from her the thought that maybe he could be saved sparked inside him. She crossed the room, her eyes scanning his face and when she reached up to cup his cheek his eyes fell closed and he leaned into her touch. A touch that felt like fire and ice, soft and solid all at once. Gently taking him by the hand he followed her from the lab wordlessly like a child. 

Once inside his room, she tugged at the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it over his head and tossing it into the pile of laundry that looked it had been building since Pepper had left. He became aware that he probably smelled really bad right now, he hadn’t washed for days and stale sweat combined with alcohol was never a seductive scent. She turned and he felt a panic rising in his chest. Reaching out he grabbed her arm. “Stay.” He looked so young and lost, she smiled warmly.

“I’m just gonna grab something to sleep in. I’m not going anywhere okay. I’ll be right here with you.” He nodded, feeling relieved and a little bit silly for coming across so desperate, he just needed her.

Nothing more was said as they both changed for bed and slipped under the crisp Egyptian cotton sheets and as he felt her curl into the crook of his arm, her hand coming up to rest on his chest, he felt at peace. He needed love, wanted to beg for her to love him but instead, he bent his head and placed a tender kiss to the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her. Exhaustion began to take over as he sighed out “I love you.” And he could have sworn he heard her say those same three little words before he descended into sleep.


End file.
